Buried Beneath My Mind

thoughts.desires.words.humanist.atheist.agnostic.green anarchy.writer.psychology.society.equality.

God damn. I’m at a dead end and I’m wondering if
All this time spent
Will make any difference
I am drowning under my own skin
And all I want is to see you again
I’m very sick
Of all this weight
Piling on me as time passes
I need a new pair of glasses
To grasp a new perspective
One time more would never be
Anything but in my dreams
Because you are so far out of reach
But I cannot think of another set
Of eyes yet
So I tell you now
You are still all I think about.

You are the chandelier
swinging in the next room.
The broken time machine
that prayers couldn’t fix.
All those songs I swear I buried
but still manage to sit heavy like a hornet’s nest in my ears.
If you thought all that screaming was about someone else,
then you were only mostly wrong.
My hands have been so busy since you decided
to be brave for somebody new,
and I still haven’t felt a single thing.
There was a point to this body
before all it did was wait for you to hold it,
and I must be more than what you were too tired to love,
but some days I still look for you in all the cracking ceilings.
I tried looking for myself once,
but it just didn’t feel right.
I’d wait around here for what might happen,
but I am so tired of turning myself
into a graveyard
just so you can feel sorry enough to bring me flowers.
Save your shaking hands, and save your amens.
This isn’t about mourning anymore,
it’s about moving on.
I am spelling my alone differently
until it stops meaning ‘without you’
and starts meaning ‘with myself.’
There are a thousand ways to write about you leaving
and even more to say that I don’t want to anymore.
If I can’t forget the bodies that left,
then I am going to remember the ones that stayed,
and mine will always be the one I thank first.

—Y.Z, what I learned while writing this (via rustyvoices)

This exactly.

Of course, you never really forget anyone, but you certainly release them. You stop allowing their history to have any meaning for you today. You let them change their haircut, let them move, let them fall in love again. And when you see this person you have let go, you realize that there is no reason to be sad. The person you knew exists somewhere, but you are separated by too much time to reach them again.

I just, I can’t describe what I feel for you but it starts from the pit of my stomach and warms my chest until I can practically feel every nerve ending in my body and all I want is for you to touch my skin.

—(via versteur)

(Source: snowlilies, via kissmysighs)